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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28329282">here to stay is the new bird</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orestesfasting/pseuds/orestesfasting'>orestesfasting</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordfishtrombones/pseuds/swordfishtrombones'>swordfishtrombones</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>you and yours [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Christmas, Epistolary, M/M, Mall Santa AU, Mall Santa Claus, our version of an smau</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:01:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,633</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28329282</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orestesfasting/pseuds/orestesfasting, https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordfishtrombones/pseuds/swordfishtrombones</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times Eddie Kaspbrak experienced Christmas + one more time he also experienced another Christmas. Or: five Christmases. It's Christmas, times five!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>you and yours [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074590</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>117</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>here to stay is the new bird</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is a companion piece to the previous work in the series! it will probably make the most sense if you read that one first but do what you want man</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>2012</strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Merry Christmas from the Kaspbrak-Burke Family!</p>
<p>Wishing a Very Merry Christmas to our Friends and Family! 2012 has been a fun filled year full of Love and Joy. Eddie started an exciting new position at a big company, and Myra…. Well! You’ll have to read on!</p>
<p>Most of you know by now about Eddie’s exciting new role. This spring he started working at Prescott Pimco as a Risk Analyst to rave reviews ….And he looks so handsome in ALL his new suits!</p>
<p>Speaking of handsome… This year we took a gorgeous Persian kitty into our home! Marmalade joined us in June as a foster kitty, and we had a fun filled week of adventures before the scratches in the sofa became a major issue and we had to dry our eyes and say Bye-Bye. But it was <em>purr</em>fectly fabulous to have a furry friend while it lasted! Here’s hoping he finds his fur-ever home!</p>
<p>We know you’d KILL us if we didn’t give an update on the Groupon saga, so let’s not sit in suspense any longer! After seven months (quick, DUCK! Sorry, that was just TIME FLYING right over your head!) Eddie finally made some headway getting his call dispatched to upper management. We guess they can hear the new suit through the phone. Ha-ha! Eddie has spoken THREE TIMES with [Eddie - name??], a lovely lady who is also regional manager for the tristate area…it turns out she has even eaten at Bella Tappeto and LOVES it! She promised to pass Eddie’s complaint to the tech team, and we should hear back in six to eight weeks. Like so many toy soldiers, progress marches on!</p>
<p>This fall we decided to pamper ourselves….we deserve it! We drove up to the Adirondacks and had a fun filled long weekend doing...well….nothing! Our lodge was just gorgeous….and the view wasn’t bad either! All the amenities were just fantastic. A heated pool, a five star restaurant in the same building, and a botchy ball court, just to name a few! The only thing that could have possibly improved our stay would be a nice apple pie scented candle to relax with in the jacuzzi (MMMM!), but you can’t have everything! Or can you?</p>
<p>This year Myra has been blessed with an <span class="u">EXCITING</span> new business opportunity. She’s making money, having fun, and meeting interesting people! And the best part? She can share the joy with her friends and family! (this means YOU!) It’s the Season of Giving, so we have included a brochure in the envelope listing all our favorite signature scents, whether that’s a cinnamon bun candle, a fresh laundry wax melt, or just a good old fashioned lemon air freshener! Curious about getting in on the action? Give Myra a call! Let’s make sure we spend 2013 connecting with the people who matter most!</p>
<p>LOVE and JOY to you and yours ~ and a Very Merry Christmas!</p>
<p>Eddie and Myra</p>
<p>+</p>
<p><strong>Yo!!<br/></strong>Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">b.reynolds@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Edward Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">e.kaspbrak@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 4:33 PM</p>
<p>Hey man! You’re still coming to the Holiday party tomorrow right? Me and some of the other Risky Bizznis Bros are gonna be on a trivia team and we could use your super stickler noggin to make sure we don’t disqualify ourselves by writing outside the lines after round 3 of PP sponsored peppermint schnapps – LOL!</p>
<p>BTW – got your Christmas newsletter in the mail yesterday! I thought you and Myra were still just dating? Did you get married without telling me!? That's classic you, dude. Big ups if so!</p>
<p>Later!<br/>Bryan</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Yo!!<br/></strong>Edward Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">e.kaspbrak@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">b.reynolds@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 4:39 PM</p>
<p>Hey man. Sure, I’ll be on your trivia team. No promises re: keeping us from getting disqualified. If Jason R. is one of the Bros you had in mind it may be beyond my control.</p>
<p>What made you think Myra and I got married? We did not.</p>
<p>Kind regards,<br/>Eddie</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Re: Yo!!<br/></strong>Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">b.reynolds@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Edward Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">e.kaspbrak@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 4:55 PM</p>
<p>Awesome!</p>
<p>Haha - just the Kaspbrak-Burke part I guess. I thought wow, didn’t think Ed was the type to hyphenate! LOL.</p>
<p>See ya tomorrow!<br/>Bryan</p>
<p>+</p>
<p><strong>Kaspbrak-Burke?<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Myra Burke &lt;<span class="u">mizmyrafragrances@hotmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 4:59 PM</p>
<p>Pick up the phone. We need to talk.</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Kaspbrak-Burke?<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Myra Burke &lt;<span class="u">mizmyrafragrances@hotmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 5:01 PM</p>
<p>Why did you send the newsletters without letting me read them over</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Re: Kaspbrak-Burke?<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Myra Burke &lt;<span class="u">mizmyrafragrances@hotmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 5:05 PM</p>
<p>I have to explain to the whole floor that I’m not married now. How did you even get Bryan’s address?</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Re: Re: Kaspbrak-Burke?<br/></strong>Myra Burke &lt;<span class="u">mizmyrafragrances@hotmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 5:28 PM</p>
<p>Hello Eddie. I e-mailed you the Word document for your input on October 30th and never got a response from you…...and I just heard from Stacia today that a placeholder was left in that you were supposed to fix and you didn’t so what am I supposed to think about how much you care……….</p>
<p>You are making a real fuss about this. Did you eat the lunch I packed you? Honestly Eddie we are practically married already and so I don’t know why you are so upset about a fun and sweet little joke for our friends and family?</p>
<p>What do you want for dinner? How about Arby’s? Sounds like you could use some protein mr. cranky!</p>
<p>I hear traffic’s awfully bad on the 495 today better take 78.</p>
<p>Love,<br/>Myra</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Re: Re: Re: Kaspbrak-Burke?<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Myra Burke &lt;<span class="u">mizmyrafragrances@hotmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 5:30 PM</p>
<p>Who the hell writes a Christmas newsletter in October????</p>
<p>Arby’s sounds good.</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Kaspbrak-Burke?<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Myra Burke &lt;<span class="u">mizmyrafragrances@hotmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, Dec 11, 2012 at 5:31 PM</p>
<p>We do need to talk though.</p>
<p>+ + +</p>
<p>
  <strong>2013</strong>
</p>
<p><strong>FW: Santaland Needs Your Help!<br/></strong>Stephanie Cho &lt;<span class="u">s.cho@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Edward Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">e.kaspbrak@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>Mon, Nov 25, 2013 at 2:47 PM</p>
<p>Hi Ed,</p>
<p>Notice you haven't recorded any volunteer time this quarter! You may remember the R&amp;C division made a pledge at the start of the year to get each member of the team out into the community at least once as a way of giving back. Hope you can find some time to spare before the year's up.</p>
<p>Happy Thanksgiving!<br/>Steph</p>
<p>–––<br/>Stephanie Cho<br/>Director of Risk &amp; Compliance<br/>Prescott Pimco, Inc.</p>
<p>-----------------------</p>
<p>Begin forwarded message:</p>
<p><strong>Santaland Needs Your Help!<br/></strong>Macy's Santaland Volunteer Committee &lt;<span class="u">santalandvolunteer@macys.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Prescott Pimco HR &lt;<span class="u">hr@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>Mon, Nov 4, 2013 at 12:00 PM</p>
<p>
  <strong>HO HO HO! Santa's annual visit to Macy's is right around the corner, and we're still in need of volunteers! Can we count on YOU to help make this the best Santaland Benefit Event ever?</strong>
</p>
<p>This year's benefit will take place on Saturday, December 7th from 12-3 PM. Whether it's setting up decorations, greeting families, or answering questions, the opportunities to help spread Christmas cheer at Santaland are limitless!</p>
<p>Sign up by the deadline of TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26 using the Google Form link below, and indicate your preferred role and shift (please note that roles are assigned based on need and we cannot guarantee all preferences will be honored). If Santaland can use your help, you'll receive an automated confirmation email within 3-5 business days.</p>
<p>From all of us at Macy’s,<br/>Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!</p>
<p>+</p>
<p><strong>Confirmation: Your shift at Macy’s Santaland<br/></strong>Macy's Santaland Volunteer Committee &lt;<span class="u">santalandvolunteer@macys.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Edward Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">e.kaspbrak@prescottpimco.com</span>&gt;<br/>Mon, Dec 2, 2013 at 12:00 PM</p>
<p>Dear EDWARD KASPBRAK,</p>
<p>Thank you for signing up to volunteer at the annual Santaland Benefit at Macy’s on SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7TH. The volunteer committee is pleased to offer you a shift from 10:30 AM - 4:00 PM. Please show up on time to your designated location. See attached document for detailed instructions and directions to Macy’s.</p>
<p>SHH! It's a secret! This year, we are pleased to share that the role of Santa Claus has gone to New York's very own comedian Richie Tozier! Please note that this information is restricted to Santaland employees and volunteers. To keep the magic alive, please do NOT share this information with any Santaland attendees.</p>
<p>Thank you for volunteering your time to help make this the BEST Santaland Benefit Event EVER!</p>
<p>From all of us at Macy’s,<br/>Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!</p>
<p>+</p>
<p>Saturday, Dec 7 • 4:33 PM</p>
<p>[Click to download image]</p>
<p>[Click to download image]</p>
<p>This is very disturbing. Please don’t inhale those and die.</p>
<p>aw touched to hear u care</p>
<p>I just don’t think I could handle the second hand embarrassment.</p>
<p>oh trust me itd be first hand. my obituary would be like: b-list comedian richie tozier dead at 37 in ill fated attempt to freak out local elf</p>
<p>B-list might be pushing it<br/>Where did those jingle bells even come from</p>
<p>check ur elf shoes</p>
<p>Shit<br/>Santa’s gonna write me up for this.</p>
<p>nah<br/>i think there's a good chance he'll let it slide</p>
<p>+</p>
<p>Monday, Dec 9 • 12:12 PM</p>
<p>hey lil corporate elf boy happy monday<br/>i’m in need of some input</p>
<p>My first input is don’t call me elf boy.</p>
<p>why do u get to call me papa christmas if i can’t call u elf boy</p>
<p>I do not call you Papa Christmas for starters.<br/>Nephew Christmas at best.<br/>What’s up?</p>
<p>christmas pickle<br/>classic fun or outdated and gauche?<br/>u seem like the person to ask</p>
<p>Wtf is a christmas pickle<br/>Don’t call me that either</p>
<p>WHAT<br/>ok nvm<br/>disregard<br/>siri delete message<br/>we will figure this out together</p>
<p>Hmm.</p>
<p>+</p>
<p>Wednesday, Dec 18 • 6:03 PM</p>
<p>lets gooooo hump day!</p>
<p>As if that means anything to you.<br/>[Click to download image]</p>
<p>am i supposed to make fun of that parking job<br/>DISGRACEFUL</p>
<p>Exactly thank you.</p>
<p>np<br/>hey what are you doing tomorrow night</p>
<p>Taking a bath and staring into a crackling fireplace for several hours.</p>
<p>lol i’m an expert on those</p>
<p>Baths or fireplaces?</p>
<p>not to disrupt ur plans<br/>but if u get sick of being the coziest dude on earth i’m doing a show at the comedy cellar<br/>it’ll be small and probably kinda shit<br/>but i have 2 comp tix if u promise to laugh rly hard at the bad jokes<br/>the guy who usually does that is getting his appendix out</p>
<p>9:58 PM</p>
<p>???????????????????</p>
<p>I promise to laugh if it’s funny.</p>
<p>that’s not what i asked for but ok<br/>gimme ur email!</p>
<p>+</p>
<p><strong>Richie Tozier tickets<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">bkrman@yahoo.com</span>&gt;<br/>Wed, Dec 18, 2013 at 10:44 PM</p>
<p>Hey man,</p>
<p>This is late notice, but I’ve wound up with two comp tickets to Richie Tozier’s show at the Comedy Cellar tomorrow night (Thursday) at 8. I figured since you’re the only fan of his I know you might like to come along. If his material is as questionable as I’ve been led to believe I’ll need someone to make faces at. Let me know.</p>
<p>Best,<br/>Eddie</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Richie Tozier tickets<br/></strong>Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">bkrman@yahoo.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Thu, Dec 19, 2013 at 8:23 AM</p>
<p>WHAT!!!!!!?!?!? Dude, you KNOW I’m there!!</p>
<p>+</p>
<p><strong>New Years??<br/></strong>Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">bkrman@yahoo.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Mon, Dec 23, 2013 at 6:13 PM</p>
<p>Hey dude,</p>
<p>Crazy end of the year! It was good hanging with ya at the Tozier show and the Christmasworld thing. Santa sure wouldn’t be wasting time scarfing cookies all night if you were there busting his balls every year LOL. You ever get sick of us at PP you’d make a badass fulltime elf.</p>
<p>Mandy and I are hosting NYE this year and we’d love to see you there! She’s dying to see the infamous R&amp;C ice king after a few fingers of cognac LOL jk. We’re having lamb, potatoes, tofurkey for you, the works. Least I can do after the Trashmouth tix!</p>
<p>Hope the way you’ve dropped off the earth lately means your holiday is kicking ass. I’d say I hope you’ve stocked up for the snowstorm, but I’m guessing your place is prepped better than the White House.</p>
<p>Peace!<br/>Bryan</p>
<p>+</p>
<p>Wednesday, Dec 25 • 9:25 AM</p>
<p>merry xmas baby boy ;-)</p>
<p>Richie are you texting me from the toilet.<br/>Come tell me to my face</p>
<p>aw but typing feels so special<br/>like i’m writing u a very merry jingle jangle chrismukkah letter</p>
<p>Being snowed in together for the foreseeable future not special enough for you?</p>
<p>i am just understanding why my aunt margaret sends those holiday newsletters every year<br/>things have happened! i fucked a christmas elf! the world should know</p>
<p>Well I'm flattered you already want to introduce me to your family<br/>Not sure about the method of delivery</p>
<p>u got any family members big into the newsletter thing</p>
<p>Not exactly<br/>I’m gonna finish this eggnog if you don’t come knock it from my hands</p>
<p>alright alright ya nog hog</p>
<p>And then you’ll never be able to go into that bathroom again</p>
<p>LOL<br/>that's one way to get to know someone</p>
<p>Wash your hands</p>
<p>thanks for the reminder i do forget since i was born in a barn</p>
<p>You’re confusing yourself with another famous guy with scraggly hair</p>
<p>SCRAGGLY<br/>fuck<br/>my first peek into your well of savagery</p>
<p>;-)</p>
<p>holy shit</p>
<p>+</p>
<p><strong>Re: New Years??<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">bkrman@yahoo.com</span>&gt;<br/>Sat, Dec 28, 2013 at 2:21 PM</p>
<p>Hey Bryan,</p>
<p>Apologies for the late reply – hope it’s not too late to RSVP. This sounds great. Tell Mandy thanks from me. Appreciate the thoughtfulness of the tofurkey, but as I am not a vegetarian, it is not necessary on my behalf.</p>
<p>If I ever became a full-time elf through some cruel twist of fate I would count on you to put me out of my misery by any means necessary. Thank you for the reminder to add this to my living will.</p>
<p>About New Year’s – no worries either way, but just wondering if I could bring a plus one. Understandable if there’s not room at the table.</p>
<p>See you soon,<br/>Eddie</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: Re: New Years??<br/></strong>Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">bkrman@yahoo.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Sat, Dec 28, 2013 at 4:45 PM</p>
<p>Man, why did I think you were a vegetarian?! Maybe it’s just your vibe, haha. Absolutely bring a plus 1! Exciting - can’t wait to meet  them .</p>
<p>Later!!<br/>Bryan</p>
<p>+</p>
<p><strong>are you FCKING kiddign me<br/></strong>Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">bkrman@yahoo.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Tue, December 31, 2013 at 10:52 PM</p>
<p>???????????????????????///????/??</p>
<p>Sent from my iPhone</p>
<p>+ + +</p>
<p>
  <strong>2014</strong>
</p>
<p>Tuesday, Dec 23 • 6:42 PM</p>
<p>do we need more applesauce?<br/>twoferone babyyyy political correctness gone crazy<br/>hello<br/>if we are out and you have to eat naked latkes you will be sad<br/>ok i’m going for it</p>
<p>Ah sorry<br/>We have so much applesauce</p>
<p>well too late now!</p>
<p>Maybe Ms. Dale across the hall needs some<br/>Season of giving</p>
<p>aren’t you so eager to give away my sauce</p>
<p>Or we could start a bomb shelter</p>
<p>maybe that’ll be my christmas gift to you<br/>where were you anyway<br/>lots of very special and secret surprises to wrap? :)</p>
<p>The thing wrapped in tinsel and shaped like a KitchenAid is disguising tickets to the Met</p>
<p>hahaha</p>
<p>No I just fell asleep<br/>I conked out to Yuletide Log: Crackling Pine and woke up to Yuletide Log 3: Merry Oak<br/>Did you know there are like six of those</p>
<p>uh haha yeah</p>
<p>What’s that mean</p>
<p>are you fucking with me</p>
<p>???</p>
<p>dude i worked on those<br/>literally first job out of college minus like manning the creamy machine at DQ<br/>did you actually not know that?</p>
<p>Ok nice try<br/>That is not on your IMDB I just checked.</p>
<p>bro i am telling you<br/>i PA’d for like 4 or 5 of those things<br/>it was just me and the DP/director and like two other PAs running around finding wood</p>
<p>You cannot use DP and “finding wood” in the same sentence and expect me to think this is real</p>
<p>if i was home i would stare into your eyes and you would not doubt me<br/>i stomped out at least two extranus fires<br/>very dangerous work<br/>*extraneous god lmao</p>
<p>If you’re fucking with me I swear<br/>I will get a reindeer to run you over</p>
<p>it was a paying job in the city when i was 21 and trying to crack the biz<br/>not that shocking!<br/>much weirder that they’re online now</p>
<p>Much weirder that I’ve been watching these for the past four years</p>
<p>what hahahah<br/>for real?<br/>why</p>
<p>I don’t know!<br/>They’re easy to sleep to<br/>Calming</p>
<p>maybe you could feel my magic touch through your sad little tv screen</p>
<p>That’s not it</p>
<p>when i get home we can play a game</p>
<p>No thanks</p>
<p>did i or did i not touch this wood<br/>you should be the expert at this point</p>
<p>Ok goodbye<br/>Yule Log 4: Hearty Maple is coming on<br/>It’s a good one so if I'm asleep when you get home don't bother me</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>+ + +</p>
<p>
  <strong>2015</strong>
</p>
<p><strong>A Modest Proposal<br/></strong>Richie Tozier &lt;<span class="u">trashmouth76@aol.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Mon, Dec 28, 2015 at 3:36 PM</p>
<p>My dearest Edward,</p>
<p>I can’t believe I’m writing you an ELECTRONIC-MAIL but the first rule of comedy is commit to the bit and I’ve already started it now so here goes.</p>
<p>First, a confession: this morning I was packing up the study and under your desk you had this cardboard box labelled JUNK. And I thought wow, maybe it’s literally just trash? And I can throw it away in the trash, with the other trash? And that would make my job so much easier and honestly I am looking for every possible way to make this job easier because SOMEONE insisted on MOVING during the week between Christmas and new year’s which is supposed to be a nice and relaxing time for everyone. ? Anyway I pushed against my every instinct and opened it just to check before I hurled it into the dumpster, and the first thing I saw was a semi-crumpled holiday newsletter from 2012 that I guess Myra wrote.</p>
<p>GULP!</p>
<p>Okay, DON’T panic. I am not here to roast you which I know is your worst fear due to my awesome powers. Honestly? My compliments to the chef! The hubris of thinking I understood Myra! That woman could put me out of business in five minutes with her eyes closed. You sure you made the right call with that one? Think about it. (Okay that’s enough stop thinking about it no take backsies.)</p>
<p>Anyway it really got me thinking. How do we know our lives are good and our love is pure and strong if we don’t painstakingly and publicly regurgitate it at least once a year? I don’t know that we can, and frankly I’m too old to take the risk. I don’t have a plan b, Kaspbrak, so you and I are going to do whatever it takes to make sure everyone KNOWS your ass is spoken for!</p>
<p>Which brings me to the inevitable. Now, it is clear that I cannot compete with one Myra Saunders née Burke. I do not have her wit, her humor, nor her flair for graphic design. (Self-promotion? Now we’re cookin.) Not to mention the holiday season is over and I think people are less into random personal newsletters in the middle of February. So for this first, sorry year, allow me to get in some practice by merely reciting to you, my best and cruellest audience, a few of the events that made 2015 worth shit.</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">The Kaspbrak-Tozier Family’s Top Five Most Precious Moments of 2015 To Holler From The Mountains (notice I let you be first)</span>
</p>
<ol>
<li>You heckled me at a show for the first time &lt;3 Didn’t tell you this at the time but backstage afterward Hannah said “I heard your man out there” which was one of the best moments of my life.</li>
<li>Finally got you drunk enough to sing at karaoke and knock everyone’s G. D. socks off (was not expecting Chumbawamba but my man has taste)</li>
<li>We found out that you are NOT motherfucking LACTOSE INTOLERANT you dirty liar. Should've been a tipoff when I spent the last two winters watching you guzzle eggnog in a manner that would kill a fucking walrus and you only complained as much as any normal human being with a digestive system that needs an ounce of respect. Shellfish is next BABY! I don't care if we wind up in the hospital I'll get you a lollipop on the way home.</li>
<li>You started wearing turtlenecks. I just typed and deleted like 4 different followup sentences and they were all too obscene for the medium so I’ll let that speak for itself.</li>
<li>I got you to budge from “hard no” to a pained “Richie………” upon my showing you Instagram posts from the Odd Dog Sanctuary depicting some truly fucked looking canine. Maybe by 2020 we’ll be sending newsletters signed Love From the Kaspbrak-Tozier-Fido family??? Don’t wanna get ahead of myself but you’re always saying it’s good to be future-minded and I’ve already started a Roth IRA at your insistence so I don’t know what else that could mean.</li>
</ol>
<p>You may notice I left off a few items but this is my list and if you object you can go ahead and make your own, buddy. Here’s my humble wish: next year we send this shit out to the world. I don’t care if the Grinch finally steals Christmas and it gets blasted off the calendar leaving only ash and devastation behind. If one of us is dead the other can whip out a ouija board. PROMISE me we will do this OR that you will buy me the biggest honkin tiffany necklace in the world, I need one of those two things to know it’s real.</p>
<p>A very joyous holiday season to you and yours,<br/>Richard M. Tozier</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: A Modest Proposal<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Richie Tozier &lt;<span class="u">trashmouth76@aol.com</span>&gt;<br/>Mon, Dec 28, 2015 at 3:49 PM</p>
<p>Dear Richard,</p>
<p>How very fine to receive an electronic-mail from you.</p>
<p>I accept your modest proposal. It’s your job to come up with the mailing list of people who would not hate us for this, though.</p>
<p>I love you. Come downstairs so I can say it to your face.</p>
<p>Eddie</p>
<p>+ + +</p>
<p>
  <strong>2016</strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Merry Christmas and Chag Hanukkah Sameach from the Kaspbrak-Tozier-Critter Family!</p>
<p>Most festive greetings to our holly jolly friends, family, and the weirdo stragglers who somehow made it onto this list.</p>
<p>2016 was a whopper! Where to begin? Perhaps with the obvious, and yes, the biggest thing that happened to us all year, including cosmic horrors, ha ha!: Eddie Richie and CRITTER makes three! This bug-eyed uggo wormed her way into our hearts the minute we saw her drooling into her kibble in doggy jail. Since then she’s found many new life passions, including but not limited to shredding Richie’s best underwear, licking the stitches on Eddie’s belly with a tongue that recently touched her own ass (flexible!), and generally letting us know that just because we feed her and pick up her shit doesn’t mean we’re the boss of her. And she’s right! Are McDonald’s and public toilets the bosses of YOU?</p>
<p>Unexpected encounters abounded this year. In addition to adopting a dog, we reconnected with some very old friends. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, YA FREAKS! We stumbled across long forgotten friendships in PRETTY unexpected ways—and even discovered that some very special, supposedly new-ish relations ran much deeper than we thought. As the classic tune asks, SHOULD auld acquaintance be forgot? Well, in some cases, yes. There are some cosmic level duds out there who can “fudge off” forever. But in some cases: no! And if you’re getting this letter odds are you’re in the latter group. We’re deeply thankful for our loved ones this year, not just in spite of the challenges that came our way, but because of them.</p>
<p>2016 was unfortunately not all sunshine and roses. No, we are not even referring to a little thing called politics which Eddie is not supposed to type about here (so DON’T try to start shit aunt Margaret). Eddie got STABBED! And not even once, but twice, and NOT in a good way! We know what you’re thinking: well that is a very handsome cowboy action hero move on his part and we are all very impressed and a little bit in love with him? We understand your feelings, but please respect that we did not like it at the time. He has appreciated your concern these past several months but he is doing much better now—huge thanks to Dr. Kilpatrick at Derry General and the physical therapy team at New York Presbyterian for their competence and kindness. Eddie would personally be delighted to move past this extremely bad experience so if some of you would kindly stop asking pointed questions about it that would be just great.</p>
<p>Well, we know you’ve got nog to drink and so do we glug glug, so we’ll keep it short and sweet. Signing off with wishes of LOVE and CHEER / to you and yours in the coming YEAR. Kiss your cat for us especially since we’re pretty sure we can never have one now for fear of Critter putting her maw around its tiny skull and ripping it clean off. She's small but mighty just like one of her daddies (no telling which)!</p>
<p>Wishing you all a healthful new year plus many sloppy kisses,</p>
<p>Eddie and Richie</p>
<p>PS: Apologies for the tonal inconsistencies in this newsletter—some of us just learned how to use Google Docs and our collaborative writing techniques could use some have never been better and are probably wowing you so hard you feel a little dizzy and gotta go straight to bed</p>
<p>+</p>
<p><strong>New Years!!!<br/></strong>Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">bkrman@yahoo.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>Mon, Dec 26, 2016 at 5:07 PM</p>
<p>Hey bro!!</p>
<p>I know you don’t go on FB much these days so just wanted to pass along the annual NYE invite – hope you and Richie can make it! Critter’s welcome too of course, we’ll put up the baby gate to keep her out of Leon’s hair (fur?).</p>
<p>Mandy and I got your holiday newsletter – gotta say we weren’t sure what you guys were talking about half the time but sounds like you had quite the year! (Still can't believe people get violently mugged in Maine!! But I'm respecting your wishes and will no longer bring it up haha.) BTW, I know I’ve been wrong about this exact thing before, but I just gotta check – Kaspbrak-Tozier? Real or no?? LOL</p>
<p>Hope you guys had happy holidays and hope to see you next week!</p>
<p>Bryan</p>
<p><strong><br/>Re: New Years!!!<br/></strong>Eddie Kaspbrak &lt;<span class="u">ekaspbrak@gmail.com</span>&gt;<br/>To: Bryan Reynolds &lt;<span class="u">bkrman@yahoo.com</span>&gt;<br/>Mon, Dec 26, 2016 at 8:31 PM</p>
<p>Hey man,</p>
<p>We’ll be there. Critter too, in full reindeer regalia. We told her it’s a costume party because we live to embarrass her.</p>
<p>Haha, still not real I’m afraid. Not yet. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know when.</p>
<p>We’ll bring champagne.</p>
<p>See you then,<br/>Eddie</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>look at us posting this ON christmas this year like good little elves! it is still christmas here at least and wtf else were we gonna be doing? hope you are having a safe and warm holiday season and either got some real good nog or stayed away from the nog depending on what's best for you</p>
<p>title borrowed from "winter wonderland", the best version of which is unequivocally <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xVLeW9UmjE">this one</a>.</p>
<p>we are on the ol tumblr:<br/>orestesfasting is <a href="https://newsom.tumblr.com/">here!</a><br/>swordfishtrombones is <a href="http://jonasblackwood.tumblr.com/">here!</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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